on child abuse and needing a savior

i don't really know where to begin with this post. i'm not much of a blogger at all (obviously) but i have some things to say at the moment. in fact, i have a lot of things to say at the moment. lately i have been going through a period of self discovery, especially in these last few months. trying to figure out who i am, what i believe, what is my purpose, etc. i have been confused about how to fuse the doctrine of the LDS church (which makes sense to me for the most part) with the church as an organization and a culture (which i don't always jive with). it's been a struggle and every day i just end up more confused than i was the day before (it seems). living in utah county i am very much insulated from many of the horrors of the world and i think that is one of the best and worst things about living here. i get so used to living in such a nice place, free of poverty and much struggle at all. i mean, #firstworldproblems, you know? a lot of my problems are first world problems. my kids fighting over the iPad, wifi is not working at school, stuff like that. luckily i have access to the worldwideweb which gives me a glimpse into that horrible, ugly world out there. i read stories of terrible violence and it gets me down sometimes. "how could someone throw their baby in the trash?" and all that. "why do cops keep shooting people that aren't a threat?" and that stuff makes me sad and i may cry about it for a minute from time to time. 

we are a house of football fans (me more fútbol lately, but that's beside the point) and so when i heard the news of adrian peterson's abuse i was disappointed and surprised and sad. and then come the KSL posts about it asking people what they think about "corporal punishment" and it became more apparent just how many people have outdated views about beating kids into submission (or "disciplining" kids as some like to call it). and it made me angry and sad. and then i watched a video of cris carter on ESPN telling how he was hit as a child and that his mom was wrong about it. i watched it about 4 times and felt so impressed and thankful he would stand up for children. this whole AP story put a face to an issue i am usually sheltered from; while i know that it goes on, i don't usually realize exactly what happens to kids on a daily basis throughout the world. 

so last night i fall asleep next to my sweet 4-year-old son ezra and have a dream: i'm visiting my parents at their new (old) home somewhere in salt lake (they just had to move there because of their growing business). it was a typical old-style salt lake neighborhood with big old houses and big old trees lining the street and a big old porch out front. but this was not a nice neighborhood; it was pretty run-down and a little scary but there we were, hanging out in the front yard. i noticed their across-the-street neighbor out in front of his house walking around with a small shovel in his hand and his 5 year old son at his feet. they were walking on the sidewalk when suddenly the dad got very upset. i don't remember the boy doing anything wrong but i remember seeing the man take the shovel and whack him on his bottom so hard that the sharp edge of the shovel definitely cut him open and they went inside. i remember feeling astounded and shocked and worried and scared and ran inside to find my angel of a mother who had already called the police. i felt scared of what that man was doing to his son inside the house and i felt scared that he would hurt our family for calling the cops. needless to say, it was a stressful, sad and scary dream. and i woke up and it literally took me a full minute to realize that it was just a dream. and then i let the weight of that knowledge sink in: it was a dream. i didn't actually witness anything like that happen and was confused why i still felt so horrible since it wasn't real. and then i realized that stuff like that happens to helpless kids. all. the. time... maybe in smaller degrees, maybe worse than that, but it happens.

now, if you know me well you know i have a passion for babies and kids and for finding how we can give them the best possible care and chance in their fragile little existences. that dream felt real and it made me realize how much horribleness happens on a daily basis. constantly. i fully realize that as i type this at 7:20 am in my little house in this little bubble of utah county there is some child being beaten by the people he instinctively trusts. probably by people who were also beaten as children. and as all the weight of this crushing reality that i live in became more apparent, i realized once more the ever-increasing need of mankind to have a savior. i need to know that one day all will be made right in this world. all of the injustice, all of the loneliness, and sadness will be healed. that everything and everyone will be okay. 

ezra taft benson once said "just as a man does not really desire food until he is hungry, so he does not desire the salvation of Christ until he knows why he needs Christ." jack r. christiansen quoted this in a talk and went on to say "now think about that. if you don't know why you need Him why would you ever seek Him? and sometimes it takes tragedies and heartache in order for us to understand why we need Him." 

i suppose this has been my issue all along. i mean i was always told that we need Him, and i believed that we need Him, but i didn't really have that need to know Him, or the passion of knowing that i (and the world) needs Him. so praying was just excruciating. i didn't have anything to say and i felt like i was just talking to myself. and i guess this is the hardest part of living and loving and NEEDING the gospel when you live in a sheltered place like i do. you don't see the need for the savior when you live in a basically perfect existence. it is a blessing and a curse for me. i am too blessed, for sure. so blessed that i don't even fully realize my blessings. i sure haven't seen a need (at least in such a big way as this) for the savior and for a plan of salvation in such a long time. THANKS A LOT, UTAH. :) but really though.

i've been focusing on the smaller things that i don't understand about how the church does things and letting those get in the way of my relationship with my savior. i hope that i can resolve how i cope with those things in the future, and i definitely hope that things will change over time and i know that i need patience. but the love and hope that comes through Christ i can access TODAY and find peace within RIGHT NOW. already i feel happier. already i feel that my outlook is more positive. maybe i will be more patient with my boys today. maybe i will smile more at the people i see out and about and maybe i will have more compassion on others and see their hearts rather than their looks. seriously, we are all hurting. we are all bleeding. we all have our bruises and our scars. but we also have each other. and we have a savior. maybe we can just help each other a little more to make it through this life. we can throw away labels and prejudices and judgements and realize we are all imperfect and are all on our own path. and maybe once we realize a bigger picture outside of our little box we will be able to find purpose and happiness and fulfillment. 

i've had too many experiences in my short life to say that i do not have a higher power who knows me and cares for me on a personal level. i believe we all have that and can access it if we want to.

that's the end of my little rant. thanks for dealing with it. and how i start sentences with the word 'and'. and for my lazy capitalization. and for my sporadic caps lock. now to find ways to utilize my abilities and my talents for the benefit of others, and find my own little way to make this world a little bit better place to live in.

xoxo
lyss


for further reading on the effects of (even something as seemingly harmless as) spanking, please read this article (and whatever else you can find): http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/09/15/charles-barkley-defends-it-cris-carter-decries-it-but-studies-show-spanking-can-change-brain-chemistry/.