I keep waiting for a time when I am going to sit down and write all of the things on my mind lately while knowing deep down that's probably not going to happen because there's so much up in my brain so I decided to just write a short entry. That's the plan anyway. And that first sentence may very well be the longest sentence on this blog. Anywho. 

Justin's dad, my kind, loving father in law passed away almost a week ago. It still doesn't seem real. We've had the viewings. The funeral. All of that and I think I'm still in denial. I can still hear his voice telling Colter "I love yoooou" in his sweet voice like he did whenever Colter did something cute. I keep thinking about one of the last conversations he and I had by ourselves, just a few weeks ago when he was still doing pretty good. I had gone to Justin's work for some health screenings and was about to head back south when I thought "hey I have some time, why not go visit don since I'm already up this way?" So me and the boys took him some donuts and he was really excited and surprised. We got him his favorite donut, a honeybun from Daylight. He ate it right up which surprised me because he hadn't been eating much in his hospital stay. We sat there eating donuts while ez played on the iPad and Colter wandered about his room leaving a trail of crumbs behind him. I don't remember what we were talking about but I remember him saying something about him not wanting to go yet because he's got these beautiful grand babies and daughter in law. I got all teary and scolded him for making me cry. I had no idea at the time how close we actually were to this conclusion he spoke of. Looking back now I am so happy I got that alone time with him, a time that was just us and I will always remember it. 

I've kept it together pretty good this last week with a few exceptions. His funeral was really hard on me. There were some beautiful words spoken that brought him to the forefront of my thoughts and it was very difficult to remain composed. I am fine most days but every once in a while I will be vividly reminded of him and break down in tears instantly. It's weird. 

When Justin was talking to Ezra about poppy's death, he told Ezra that he could reach poppy through his prayers. So when I asked Ezra if we could pray tonight he said "and say hi to poppy?" So of course tears. And then when he saw me crying he acted sad and said he missed poppy when I asked what was wrong. After a few minutes of discussion Ezra told me with complete sincerity "it makes me wad (sad) when you're wad." Then my heart melted onto the floor. 

Thanks all, for bearing with me through my grieving. The only other close person I've lost was my grandpa and while I loved him, his death didn't really affect me in the day-to-day sense the way bern's has. He really was like a dad to me. 

Ok I obviously need to work on my brief-ness. I'll try better next time. Peace.